Parenting for Mental Toughness

“If you aren’t cheating, you aren’t trying.”

“Win or go home.”

“We’re going to battle. We’re going to fight. We’re going to scratch and claw until we win the war!”

Really? In youth sports? Are you sure?

“You have to do this…” “We’ve gotta do that…” leading otherwise confident girls and boys to think: “I should’ve had that.” Not good.

“I need to make this play.” You need to? Really? If you don't, will you die? NO! Sports is not war. It's a game. It is important. Winning is lots more fun than losing, but when athletes get caught up in the metaphor of battle rather than the challenges and exhilaration of competition, they create many unnecessary problems. These include, but are not limited to, increased anxiety, stress, and tension; insecurity about their own self-worth; envy, and not only of opponents, but of teammates, too; humiliation after a mistake; and hostility towards opponents. In short, when athletes hold an unhealthy perspective towards competition, performance goes down, as does enjoyment, persistence, and teamwork. With an unhealthy perspective, even winning brings problems: the game is just a chance to flaunt personal superiority and reap the shallow pleasures of the victor’s spoils.

 Superb, short, related video:

Youth sports are for the kids. Professional sports are very much for the consumer. Youth sports and professional sports are, therefore, fundamentally different, and fans in the stands are wise to recognize them as such. We want to teach our kids to have a healthy perspective on sports and on life so they will enjoy, persist, and work together well…and perform better, too (especially under pressure). Why are the kids there? I think the primary reason we have youth sports in academia in this country is the same primary reason parents want their daughters to participate: sports can do a wonderful job teaching many life lessons, including the value of hard and smart work, enthusiasm, and persistence. Sports can also teach courage, teamwork, and how to deal with adversity effectively, among many other life skills. Unfortunately, sports also have the potential to destroy a kid's confidence, inhibit social development, and turn children off to the value of struggle and discomfort.

Parents, the first way to draw the best out of your child’s sport experience is to keep in mind – constantly - the first reason that kids want to PLAY: for the fun of it! I teach that "should" is generally a bad word. It’s usually counterproductive and we would be wise to say "could" or "want to" instead, but there are plenty of exceptions and here’s one: having fun should be a priority for athletes and their parents! Why? Because when kids have fun, they perform better, they are more coachable, they are better leaders, and their persistence increases, including their desire to pursue playing at the next level up. Sports are simply unable to teach important life lessons to kids who drop out!

Here are a few more observations: 1) Parenting may be the hardest job in the world. 2) Parents are biased when watching their children compete. That is your baby out there, so this bias is expected and acceptable. It's also useful to acknowledge it. 3) Competitive environments can draw inappropriate emotionally-driven behaviors out of people. Whether a coach, an athlete, or a fan in the stands, behaviors that warrant an apology later are almost always emotionally driven, not a result of logic-based decision making.

There are four roles at any contest: athlete, coach, adjudicator, or fan. Bruce Brown from Proactive Coaching says everyone in attendance should pick exactly one role. Parents: let the athletes and coaches focus on how to win. Your best focus is on how to support them and the answer is simple. Be there. Cheer when you want to. Cheering is fantastic, but your presence is already a huge gift of support. You are already doing what it takes to be an awesome parent. Resist the idea that you need to do more. If you like to be vocal, that is super. Be encouraging. Be positive. Celebrate little victories. Do not let adversity get you down. Model the attitude and poise that you want your child to have. Hopefully, children don't look at their parents in the stands during competition, but if they do, hopefully parents will provide the face that they need to see.

It is important in an article like this to mention how we adults want to view the job of umpiring. Why? Because this is where many parents and coaches forget that youth sports (a developmental place) is so different from professional sports (a multi-million dollar entertainment industry). What is ideal parent behavior when the umpire misses a call? It is typically best not to react much at all, but if we do or say anything, let it be based on the idea that the mistake that hurt our chances to win the game…was a good thing. That is a challenging perspective to take, but I think you will agree with my opinion that in the short-term, life is not fair. If we want to deal with adversity effectively, we need adversity so we can practice controlling our emotions and bouncing back strong. Therefore, the flawed official in this situation is helping kids practice controlling the controllables. Was the mistaken judgement good or bad? The reality is that it is both, but most people only focus on it being bad, while it is only useful to think about why it is good.

Ultimately, parenting in athleteics is about promoting a positive, developmental, fun team culture, rather than adding worries and negativity. Parents: if you have found a team that provides a phyically and emotionally safe place to grow: please release your child to the team. At some point, each child's confidence will take a leap forward as a result of an influence outside of the immediate family. Maybe that will happen this season! Please do not get in the way of that. If the team is not providing a safe developmental place, get involved or get a new team, but if the coaches are competent and leading with servants’ hearts, then please, parents…please, please, please get out of the way. (Note: competent coaches are not perfect; they are competent because they are not abusive and they are reliable, take safety seriously, and know at least a little more about the game than the players do.) Releasing your child to the team means you have the strength to let your child figure out how to be the best version of him- or herself. Abraham Lincoln said, “The worst thing you can do for those you love are those things that they can and should do for themselves.”

So, holler power phrases like: “You can do this.” “Don’t worry; your best effort is always good enough.” Or teach your child sign language for, “I love you” and use it often. The serious teenaged athletes who do not attach daily performance in sports to their feelings of self-worth are way ahead of the curve in maturity and mental toughness.

It is a great compliment to parents if I was to watch them watch a game and could not figure out which player is their child. Releasing your child to the team means that parents allow the coaches to be the only instructional voices and cheer for effort from all the kids. Cheer more often for your child’s team, but cheer for kids from the other team when they do something special, too. I know this is an outside-of-the-box idea, but if our goal is to teach life lessons like respect for others, embracing challenges, and controlling controllables, why would we not cheer great performances by opponents? Opponents are not enemies. Clearly, the worst way to win…is by forfeit. The other team is there to push the athletes and help them identify what is working and what is not. Appreciate them by competing with them, not against them.

Competing with rather than competing against is a subtle distinction, but it is also a powerfully healthy perspective. The word “competition” comes from the latin “-petere,” which means “to strive or seek” and “com,” which means “with.” Competition literally means “to strive or seek with.” Unfortunately, common use of the word today focuses people on the determination of who is the winner and who is the loser. A healthy perspective recognizes the untruth in the idea that if you are behind on the scoreboard at the end of the game, you must be a loser. “Competing with” others and, most of all, with oneself is the way of looking at sports that increases learning, promotes teamwork, and enhances performance. Think about this: trying to win causes athletes to win less and trying to pursue mastery causes them to win more. An appreciation of “true competition,” a term coined by Shields and Bredemeier in their superb book by that name, focuses on the goal of controlling the controllables and delivering best effort performances. This perspective relishes challenges and opportunities to test the quality of the athlete’s preparation, acknowledges mistakes as an important part of the growth process, and enjoys the inherent components of the game like throwing, catching, running, hitting, and strategizing.

Parents, if you want to develop mental toughness in your daughter, work to promote competing with rather than competing against, and define winners by their effort, not by the scoreboard. This is not a difficult perspective to believe in. There is little doubt that those who are brave enough to act out the idea that my goal is to do my best and my best effort is always good enough will win at the most challenging game of all: the test of life!

***This article is basically quoted from the first track ("During the Game") of my Parenting in Athletics Audio CD. The other tracks are titled:

• After the Game (10:06)
• Warning: Helicopter Parent Behaviors (6:46)
• Ideas to Impress Your Spouse (11:17)
• Strategies for Teaching Life Lessons (11:26)

You can purchase this product electronically or on CD for yourself, your team, or your youth sports organization from my online stores: http://softballmentalmaster.com/ or http://baseballmentalmaster.com/. Please contact me for larger order discounts. I will work within YSO budgets!

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